Dependent people are inclined to virtual love
– Presently, when communication between the man and the woman passes, in many respects, into the sphere of information technologies, in the virtual world often there is not only an acquaintance, but also development of the relations, including feelings which it is accepted to call virtual love arise. Why people go on such relations? Whether it is possible to call the main reason for this step a lack of acquaintances of reality or such people have some specific features?
– Online, there are many different types of people, and a lot of unhealthy people, it is a lot of normal people who just were a little bit lost, at the moment. If to speak terms, then at the moment if in global sense to look, there is population i.e. leaving from the real world in Internet space and the virtual relations.
On the level of prosperity of people, it is possible to divide into several categories. The first category is people who constantly work and earn a little, at them the self-assessment, but not in all cases, as a rule, suffers, we speak now about those who constantly are online. The second category is “office” workers, at them life on the Internet occurs literally constantly: they are online at work, their work is connected with the Internet, they have various means of communication there – WhatsApp, Skype, webcam chat rooms, i.e. it is a lot of references on which constantly someone hangs and something answers. There is still the third category – it is wealthy people who are engaged in some business and in it are deepened. Them, by the way, very small percent in the virtual world, and in virtual love because they have no time to be engaged in it, they read news on the Internet more and take information useful to their work.
People of low prosperity, as a rule, have a problem in the afternoon to go on-line because their work is not connected with office, they have no tablet, the laptop, the computer, but they began to get out of this situation – they install the Internet in phone. Lately I very often faced on consultations that office workers begin to create affairs with those, who have an Internet only in phone. Also you know how they define them? If you on the computer correspond, then you put smiles, ends, commas and expanded text messages are given and if you correspond from phone, then to you laziness to look for somewhere a dot, a comma, and messages, as a rule, avaricious. People with not big vital are in the Internet generally in the evening or at half of the night, seldom who leaves after three, it occurs, as a rule, if you communicate with any one virtual person in many ways such as sex cams.
– Which of these categories of people is most subject to leaving in virtual reality?
– To those which are engaged in business, just once. They have money, constantly someone wants to get acquainted with them, on them there is a hunting, they simply do not need it, they have other problems. The segment of the population with the minimum prosperity is often limited house in use of the Internet because it is necessary to pay for it if month is not paid, then it takes off from this virtual life. In the summer they if to look, generally go outside, on a small bench, with sunflower seeds, with phone, with a beer bottle. From phone you do not popish special and that. The most subject to leaving in the virtual relations a zone is “office” workers because they have an opportunity to buy modern “gadgets” for communication.
– In the course of the virtual relations the trust, and trust unreasonable takes place, nevertheless, people trust the virtual partner. For example, on anti-suicidal website to there was a case when the girl virtually fell in love with the person, communicated, then he threw her, as a result it became clear that it was not the young man, but the old man. She even wanted to commit suicide. From where such unreasonable trust undertakes?
– Here we can speak about an element of the dependent personality. There is a concept of love when two persons can live, be absolutely adequately together, but also feel fully the friend without friend. And there is a love dependence when it is necessary for us that an object with whom we are in love was near constantly somewhere, it is not important in the real or virtual world. Here the element of trust begins to mix up with dependence. The person speaks: “I trust you, but you then too give me something in reply, and it is as much as possible”. A certain greed is shown: “I will reveal to you all the secrets, I will tell about everything, you will listen to me, you will regret me”. It is an element of the dependent personality. Such people require attention, pity. One patient within an hour sixty three times checked whether the young man wrote to her, i.e. she “departed” to the virtual relations completely.
Very similar situation from practice when the girl corresponded with the young man, he was in other city, and by then as it came to reception, their correspondence lasted two years, but they during this time so never also met. Very often the reason of so long virtual love turns out the fact that not that person to what it presents itself(himself) sits in front of the computer a little bit. The girl in photos was rather attractive, everything was edited on a photoshop, but she had problems with weight, and she tried to fight two years against it, set the purposes to make toilet that to meet it. We worked with it half a year, it lost the weight and when she was already sure that she can meet it now, she offered it a meeting, but here he also shuffled. Sharply instead of it on its account there was a so-called relative who told that it had an accident and when it leaves hospital – it is unknown. The girl told me about how they correspond, and in some moments, I showed her what is there, perhaps, not that person for whom he gave himself it is unknown in general – the man it or the girl. But when the person is dependent, he begins to trust quicker and this trust ties the partner.
– Whether it means that people, which initially slopes to dependence are inclined to such virtual relations?
– Yes. If the person is free from dependence, then he is self-sufficient, he can spend time with himself, enjoy it, he can go out for a walk with friends, he can sit on the Internet, but it does not vanish there constantly. He loves himself and loves friends, he does not need the unique person, he communicates with the real world and some time in virtual can stay, but it does not go in cycles in it.
I can give one more, rather interesting example from practice. The husband and the wife – bank workers, only work in different banks. They got acquainted on the Internet, got married. There passed year, and even after the wedding they had very peculiar communication: the whole day they are online, communicate, come home, have supper, it sits down in the room with the laptop, and it sits down in kitchen with the laptop and they communicate with each other. They have a problem, they cannot have children as there is no sex. At such style of communication, it with some difficulty. They with it also came, did not understand in what business. And they say that on the Internet they stabilize emotions, feelings. They specially experimented: went for the dacha, spent two days without the Internet there, and it told that these two days dropped out of her life, it was emptiness. Returned – and again emotions …
Therefore, we in most cases can say that the person who is online and there falls in love – the dependent personality. Sitting in front of the house computer, you can sit with the shaggy head, not made up and to say that you in a fine peignoir, in a sexy underwear, and on that end the man will be, sitting with sandwich in hands, in boxer shorts, with a can of beer, to say that he sits at a fireplace on a leather sofa now. This embellishment of reality, that which is not in life and, naturally, dreams “come true”.
Here actually there are pluses if not to come far in communication. Recently girls lift a revolt that men, generally communicate on the Internet, and on its meeting and will not pull out, it is necessary to make efforts. Though some men very active, they constantly suggest to meet, but very often girls refuse to them because they do not conform to their requirements and representations. The more often refuse to you, the more there is a wish to pull out this person. Girls now often suggest to meet after one-two weeks of communication, hint the man that he showed some activity.
One more case from practice. The girl within three weeks suited a marathon on the websites, found to herself a lot of interesting young people, met five. Told improbable things how many strange and not absolutely normal men were come to a meeting, and only one got decent with which she continues to communicate now, but their virtual love turned into real communication, we will look, what will be farther.
But if we speak about virtual love, then very often it arises when people at far distance from each other.
– Because they have no opportunity to meet in reality. At least, it is difficult.
– It is an excuse. Why the virtual love can last for years? Because the person of embellishes. The distance to them prevents to meet, it always has an excuse: “I with you would meet pleasure, but you, understand that between us long distance. Sometime, I will be journey in your city very soon and we will surely meet”. And the girl speaks: “Yes, of course, I will wait for you”.
There is such concept as “the virtual mistress” now. Generally, men from big cities bring to themselves “virtual mistresses” who are, let us assume, in way different parts of the world. They extol themselves, show photos of expensive cars, good prosperity though it earns so-so, but it “blossoms” here, ego-trips. And he can live with the girl who perceives it in a different way, and on the Internet, occurs, just mad, unreal love. For girls from other cities, the man living in not far away with expensive “fighting horse” and a full pocket of money is for them “titbit”, “prince charming”.
– They do not meet their virtual mistresses in reality?
– Quite recently there was such case, the girl from LA, and he is from San Francisco . She specially thought up a pretext, arrived, but it thought up some business trip and right there, allegedly, departed. She left to return back. He referred to the employment, to the business which it actually does not have. There is such “love”. She after all continues to communicate further with it, hopes. Probably, when arrived here, impressed it, she can even somewhere on the street saw a prototype of the young man.
– It is clear, that on the Internet we deal not with real people, and with images. Whether it is possible to call the relation to an image love or love, or it something else?
– First anyway there is a certain love. All already know rules how to prove to be on the Internet how to draw attention, to interest. Respectively, if your internal image, an ideal of the man (woman) met with that whom you found in the Internet, then you fall in love with this image. A photoshop – strong piece. Some specially overestimate an image of that with whom they fell in love not to meet. In most cases in virtual love there is just an avoiding of a meeting. There will be a wild disappointment. We at first do, and then we think. Were got involved in fight, and there we will already look, we will lick wounds if that. In principle, you can remove from friends, having pressed a button – and everything and to get new. It is possible to live for years in this Internet, to bring all new and new partners, finding the reasons not to meet.
Still it must be kept in mind that in virtual communication there are a lot of psychopathic persons. As one professor told: “Earlier to us psychopaths came to be treated, and now they do not go. Because they now on the Internet”. The same psychopath will find that it is necessary for him on the Internet, and he will bathe there in glory, it will be praised, somewhere will feel sorry for him, somewhere he can break, show aggression – and all this almost without serious consequences for it.
– I.e. it is possible to fall in love with such psychopath easily?
– Yes, it is quite possible. There a large number of sex addict, with sexual perversions, perversions. Patients with schizophrenia, tell how they meet on the Internet girls. You cannot see his disease, it can be in the good treated shape, at the moment it can be under drugs. He will perfectly feel, will talk to you, will even be attractive by something, he can have some beautiful images in the head. They can be creative people, also creative persons, meet elements. It is beautiful in the strangeness of singularity. The element of a chill, emasculation, it can attract on the contrary some girls because it should try to obtain, from it still will not extend emotions. When we get acquainted there, we do not even suspect who is there, we do not even know the man there or the woman. Even if you guessed with a floor, then it is unknown in what state there is a person. Therefore, such person can also avoid meetings constantly.
One client speaks: “At me constantly about ten virtual lovers wishing to meet me I can go to have supper with some. There was a wish to have supper, not to pay me money, I am time – and called it on a meeting. I can every two weeks it pulls out, and it safely pays for me”. It was involved in such relations and it is already heavy to it to construct the relations in reality.
Generally, to experts come when everything is already started when left there at full scale when were disappointed in love, in the relations. It is a lot of on the Internet of married men, they get such virtual love when life in a family grew cold, emotions are not enough, the man works hard, earns money, brings them home, but does not receive that official message of thanks on which he counts. And on the Internet, he will receive all this wholly. Because it describes to this girl that it is good, he works hard, makes good money, he is beautiful, he is an athlete. She does not see all that really happens to it, and she gives emotions which are not enough for it.
– Whether means that if the person refuses to meet, then it anyway has to guide at suspicions?
– Yes. I can even call certain reasons why the person with whom you communicate refuses a real meeting. The first, he can be the disabled person who just receives communication. He, maybe, also tried to meet, but so these meetings were stressful that he told himself: “no, never”.
The second, is men who at the moment have relations and it is heavy to them to meet. The girl will offer a meeting after work, and after work he is busy by the woman. The woman with whom he lives or the wife calls him and speaks: “You where are now? You through how many will be? You will go out of the subway – be stopped ringing to me, please”. About what meetings can there be a speech here? He begins to speak parts: “Well, give we we will meet you for an hour – one and a half”. He told the wife that it has some affairs that he is late at work, and itself run in cafe, sat, tried to get to fall in love this girl – everything, it is impossible to it more. Even if time it met, then the second and third for it problematic.
At the people who are actively participating in business, too busy day and in the middle of a constant stream of work it can receive some emotions. At it three-four girls because it is necessary to it can be constant, it brings him. There is such type of the personality, they as emotional bloodsuckers, are fed and so-called “love vampires” go to work further. If the man refuses to meet you even in the day off, says that he leaves, then these are nearly hundred percent that it has someone, but he just is played, amused, gets to fall in love, but he does not want to admit to himself close. Men who have constant relations go to the Internet and begin to fall in love there because they lack these emotions in real life. They go to this virtual world to be there successful, beautiful, attractive, popular – what the girl who is nearby does not give them.
In the same way and girls arrive. They say about what their man is not able to listen to, is not able to do compliments, to look after. Perhaps was also able, but one or two-three years – and everything calms down. Any girl more or less attractive hangs out the questionnaire and in day to it fifty, and even five hundred messages can come with various offers, compliments, here the girl also blossoms: “As it is pleasant what is a high”.
If to read these messages the expert, then he will find many compliments which are written by people with low intelligence, inept, children’s there, it is a lot of psychopathic persons, esteem that they write there! And suddenly from such chaos there is some competent person who writes you something non-standard. All write: “hi, child! You are sexy, you super, I with you would take a walk!”. These are such banalities which on five hundred pieces a day, and absolutely unclear message which is selected from all this suddenly comes. In the beginning can be just the question “how?” will come. You, naturally, cling, it is interesting to you that he meant it. And the person with the suspended language, with the normal head, can begin to tell not standard phrases and the girl it clings. And, if it shows what does not need sex and meetings, the girl, will tell: “How it so? All want to meet me, all want to be in me lovers, and this is not present. Very much it would be interesting to meet then it”. But very often it can be the married man, on it the virtual love also comes to an end. Or he vanishes somewhere, ignores, or he can insult and, respectively, the girl takes offense, and he is happy, he received the and goes further. And then it can and have an accident, as in a case about which I spoke in the beginning.
And, that girl was going to fly to it, she already rang round all hospitals in this city, but it there was not anywhere. And when it came already practically with tickets on hands, I stopped it and told: “Now let’s think that, perhaps, this person is not also in mention who sits in front of the computer there – we cannot understand. But these two years after all, of course, gave something to you, but also took away a lot of things too – two years of life. You could meet this time in reality young people”. At these girls the circle of contacts is so poor and limited that they should anew learn to communicate with people. These main minuses.
– What would you advise people who are in these virtual relations or on the verge of the introduction in them?
– That who already is in these relations and already understand that they conduct unclear to what that it can infinitely proceed, it is necessary to ask more often to itself questions “what I do? Why I sit constantly here? Where my friends, where my real communication?”. Here it is necessary anew to learn to build the real life if it is impossible most, then it is better to address the expert. It, as they say, if at your place the washing machine broke, you will not repair it, and will call the master. Here the same if it is impossible to repair the head, then it is necessary to address the expert, engaged in this subject.
It is necessary to try to come after one or two weeks to a meeting, to see this person not to “depart” further to dependence because it will lead only to a certain disappointment, emptiness, it is possible to a depression. Therefore it is necessary to transfer virtual communication to reality. It is necessary to learn to get acquainted in real life because when you get acquainted on the Internet, the person has a high self-esteem and it imposes more requirements, it is difficult to get acquainted with the beautiful girl because it has on the Internet hundreds of offers. And if, for example, to meet such girl in life on the street, then she another, is simpler to start talking to it, it will quicker go for contact if you really such interesting and remarkable. It is necessary to live more in the real world and to use gadgets less. To rise because of the computer and to go to reality.